Mentally challenging world.
G4T recently the worst I felt mentally was when my brother in law (who I thought was trying to be my friend after 11years of marriage to his sister) says to my wife (where I ,hard of hearing can hear his words clearly) "when are you going to delete him?" Causing my wife to go into defense mode defending me.
I have lived my life by work first,I bought all my own clothes from age 12 up I would hustle my money I cut yards made enough money that I even helped my mother with the bills in our home there was no job I went door to door every house I saw that had high grass. All the years of hard labor I have committed to anything I did either building houses working in concrete. As a driver I did not have to help people with their concrete work I put on gloves and aided because of the hard work ethic instilled in my American fiber. All the billions of people my labor had benefited. I have done work for the space agency my work has been witnessed literally by billions of people every time we had a shuttle launch I had worked on.
I had a tornado break my back after working for 3 weeks straight( they called it an act of God) I survived massive surgery recovery painful rehabilitation and returned to work( could have requested disability then and got it on the spot but I was better than that my pride would not allow this) then had knee injured another surgery painful recovery and back to work then 2 years later a big rig backed into my dump truck( again not my fault) another injury at this point I literally feet as if I am running out of areas of my body without pain.
See after one on the job injury and surgery you are discriminated against they view you as the enemy even though you have literally saved millions of dollars for corporations saved lives by stopping the bleeding with your very hands. I have saved the lives of police and others when stopping to clear situations others were just driving by situations I could have lost my life in an instant. I have had police throw me the keys to their car telling me to get flares out in that trunk was all the firepower a cop keeps in there. Anybody else would have been in the news as the biggest hero but a trucker we receive all the scorn of a homeless drug addicted man never did drugs as a trucker tested too much to risk my reputation. We work so much we rarely appear presentable , because by the time we get back to our barber we need another makeover not just a haircut. We also lack representation because when it comes time to vote we are off working hardly allowed to participate in the decisions of this nation even though this nation could not even wipe their ass if it were not for our work. I wanted to do all I could to turn around the bad image truckers but it was never to be, just as one that is homeless no matter the reason they are scorned the same is the social class of a trucker. I call it vocational discrimination.
Now I have this man testing me to no end I wanted to beat him but I know my outcome would be attempted suicide had I rose from my chair and turned to him to seek retribution with my injuries he would have caused me such pain I would never recover from it. I had a gun on my person and for the first time I wanted to shoot someone but I know better than shooting anyone, that is not why I carry a gun it is for criminals that are in the act of causing harm to others only,but I felt like I was attacked as if someone had taken a weapon and plunged it into my back twisted then twisted again in the opposite direction.
Never had someone struck a nerve such as he at that very moment because it was so heartless as if he were saying forget the fact this man (me) had overcome such adversity made good money shared every cent every bit of my energy in a last ditch effort to protect our family from the elements. I was working for the money for a concrete dome home the only home affordable that can survive the strongest tornado. And here is this man talking about me as if I were invisible. He was just 5 yards behind me as we watch my daughter play a softball game. A game I don't even want be at because of the pain I suffer in the absence of my recliner. But I attend because my daughter feels better that I go and cheer for her my wife feels like she is truly married not a woman with a disabled room mate. It seemed the harder I worked the more things occurred to cause me pain in turn I had ever more difficulty seeking vocation with a tolerable pain level and decent earning potential.
The last job I had that could potentially provide me with a wage $12hour was a bus driving job for a city transit type setting at LSU This job would have decent hours clean work. Just to get this job required me to go through multiple interviews doctor visits weeks of classroom and a flawless criminal record this is a very difficult job to land.I had a 10 hour proving ground left to cover it was to be split into 2 days I was to drive 5 hours under direction of a judge another day I was to drive the other 5 same way.
(As I was driving through the first 5 hours) The injury that had surfaced after the 18 wheeler struck me had begun to cause so much pain in my upper back that breathing was so painful I was taking shallow breaths. I felt so defeated inside I was melting in tears as if the darkest shadow had shaded me I felt cold I needed this job I wanted this job and now I am going to loose it on the last 10 hours of orientation. I felt the life draining out of me my manhood just eroding with every painful shallow breath I took. When I got to my car I broke down in tears ashamed to go home.
Embarrassed that I could not drive a 5 hour session when in the past I would leave Denver Co. with a fully loaded tractor trailer and 24 hours later pull up in LaCa like I all I needed was a shower and a 10 hour nap to turn around and do it the exact same way. I have had days where I had 36 hour shifts where I drove and handled business for over 3 days no rest no drugs not even food. What drove me was a commitment to succeed no matter what was thrown my way I was going to win I was going to prove that I am the man you need in your employ. To have this prick that has NEVER undergone such a proving ground say words so painful he might as well lowered a sledge hammer to my back I feltas if it were my duty to slam this conceded bald headed prick into the pavement.
I now avoid my brother in law not just for my benefit but mostly for his safety. I now avoid my mother in law too. All dark people are avoided they are toxic when I get toxic comments on YT I banish that person I can take criticism but comments that are only made to be ugly are not tolerated.
Mother in law needed a car not even a week after brother in law sent my blood to boil like a jar of liquid oxygen set in the summer sun. Her car broke recently and she would need a ride to the nearest rental agency 40 miles away my wife asked me if she could offer my 06 scion XB that is flawless never been smoked in less than 25K miles on it still has factory tires on it. I tell her sure let her use it just tell her not to smoke in it I stressed this to her that by no means did I want my air conditioner to recycle smoked up air through its fan and vents. I want to be able to tell someone should I ever need to sell it that it never had been smoked in. When I get my car 3 days later it reeks of smoke like a bar room slut. I felt so angered so disrespected I became angry beyond my limits I could not be in her presence how could someone be so disrespectful so mean ! Knowing that I dislike smoke smell so much that when I drive up to the drive through window at New Orleans Daiquiris to get daiquiris I keep my car 8 ft away from the building and step out side my car to prevent the smoking air to contaminate my car when they open the window to hand me the drinks.
I am very vernerable right now the slightest thing can cause my self worth to deteriorate to suicide I know this I know people are counting on me to live because this world is so cruel that I with all my flaws am the best thing they have for inspiration and comfort.
They really need you George they need you to be there even if it is for one small chat on the phone for encouragement or to listen to their story they need you we have to be there for them not for us but for them.
I have lived my life by work first,I bought all my own clothes from age 12 up I would hustle my money I cut yards made enough money that I even helped my mother with the bills in our home there was no job I went door to door every house I saw that had high grass. All the years of hard labor I have committed to anything I did either building houses working in concrete. As a driver I did not have to help people with their concrete work I put on gloves and aided because of the hard work ethic instilled in my American fiber. All the billions of people my labor had benefited. I have done work for the space agency my work has been witnessed literally by billions of people every time we had a shuttle launch I had worked on.
I had a tornado break my back after working for 3 weeks straight( they called it an act of God) I survived massive surgery recovery painful rehabilitation and returned to work( could have requested disability then and got it on the spot but I was better than that my pride would not allow this) then had knee injured another surgery painful recovery and back to work then 2 years later a big rig backed into my dump truck( again not my fault) another injury at this point I literally feet as if I am running out of areas of my body without pain.
See after one on the job injury and surgery you are discriminated against they view you as the enemy even though you have literally saved millions of dollars for corporations saved lives by stopping the bleeding with your very hands. I have saved the lives of police and others when stopping to clear situations others were just driving by situations I could have lost my life in an instant. I have had police throw me the keys to their car telling me to get flares out in that trunk was all the firepower a cop keeps in there. Anybody else would have been in the news as the biggest hero but a trucker we receive all the scorn of a homeless drug addicted man never did drugs as a trucker tested too much to risk my reputation. We work so much we rarely appear presentable , because by the time we get back to our barber we need another makeover not just a haircut. We also lack representation because when it comes time to vote we are off working hardly allowed to participate in the decisions of this nation even though this nation could not even wipe their ass if it were not for our work. I wanted to do all I could to turn around the bad image truckers but it was never to be, just as one that is homeless no matter the reason they are scorned the same is the social class of a trucker. I call it vocational discrimination.
Now I have this man testing me to no end I wanted to beat him but I know my outcome would be attempted suicide had I rose from my chair and turned to him to seek retribution with my injuries he would have caused me such pain I would never recover from it. I had a gun on my person and for the first time I wanted to shoot someone but I know better than shooting anyone, that is not why I carry a gun it is for criminals that are in the act of causing harm to others only,but I felt like I was attacked as if someone had taken a weapon and plunged it into my back twisted then twisted again in the opposite direction.
Never had someone struck a nerve such as he at that very moment because it was so heartless as if he were saying forget the fact this man (me) had overcome such adversity made good money shared every cent every bit of my energy in a last ditch effort to protect our family from the elements. I was working for the money for a concrete dome home the only home affordable that can survive the strongest tornado. And here is this man talking about me as if I were invisible. He was just 5 yards behind me as we watch my daughter play a softball game. A game I don't even want be at because of the pain I suffer in the absence of my recliner. But I attend because my daughter feels better that I go and cheer for her my wife feels like she is truly married not a woman with a disabled room mate. It seemed the harder I worked the more things occurred to cause me pain in turn I had ever more difficulty seeking vocation with a tolerable pain level and decent earning potential.
The last job I had that could potentially provide me with a wage $12hour was a bus driving job for a city transit type setting at LSU This job would have decent hours clean work. Just to get this job required me to go through multiple interviews doctor visits weeks of classroom and a flawless criminal record this is a very difficult job to land.I had a 10 hour proving ground left to cover it was to be split into 2 days I was to drive 5 hours under direction of a judge another day I was to drive the other 5 same way.
(As I was driving through the first 5 hours) The injury that had surfaced after the 18 wheeler struck me had begun to cause so much pain in my upper back that breathing was so painful I was taking shallow breaths. I felt so defeated inside I was melting in tears as if the darkest shadow had shaded me I felt cold I needed this job I wanted this job and now I am going to loose it on the last 10 hours of orientation. I felt the life draining out of me my manhood just eroding with every painful shallow breath I took. When I got to my car I broke down in tears ashamed to go home.
Embarrassed that I could not drive a 5 hour session when in the past I would leave Denver Co. with a fully loaded tractor trailer and 24 hours later pull up in LaCa like I all I needed was a shower and a 10 hour nap to turn around and do it the exact same way. I have had days where I had 36 hour shifts where I drove and handled business for over 3 days no rest no drugs not even food. What drove me was a commitment to succeed no matter what was thrown my way I was going to win I was going to prove that I am the man you need in your employ. To have this prick that has NEVER undergone such a proving ground say words so painful he might as well lowered a sledge hammer to my back I feltas if it were my duty to slam this conceded bald headed prick into the pavement.
I now avoid my brother in law not just for my benefit but mostly for his safety. I now avoid my mother in law too. All dark people are avoided they are toxic when I get toxic comments on YT I banish that person I can take criticism but comments that are only made to be ugly are not tolerated.
Mother in law needed a car not even a week after brother in law sent my blood to boil like a jar of liquid oxygen set in the summer sun. Her car broke recently and she would need a ride to the nearest rental agency 40 miles away my wife asked me if she could offer my 06 scion XB that is flawless never been smoked in less than 25K miles on it still has factory tires on it. I tell her sure let her use it just tell her not to smoke in it I stressed this to her that by no means did I want my air conditioner to recycle smoked up air through its fan and vents. I want to be able to tell someone should I ever need to sell it that it never had been smoked in. When I get my car 3 days later it reeks of smoke like a bar room slut. I felt so angered so disrespected I became angry beyond my limits I could not be in her presence how could someone be so disrespectful so mean ! Knowing that I dislike smoke smell so much that when I drive up to the drive through window at New Orleans Daiquiris to get daiquiris I keep my car 8 ft away from the building and step out side my car to prevent the smoking air to contaminate my car when they open the window to hand me the drinks.
I am very vernerable right now the slightest thing can cause my self worth to deteriorate to suicide I know this I know people are counting on me to live because this world is so cruel that I with all my flaws am the best thing they have for inspiration and comfort.
They really need you George they need you to be there even if it is for one small chat on the phone for encouragement or to listen to their story they need you we have to be there for them not for us but for them.
No comments:
Post a Comment